shaneeeeee

What’s going on with me, why do I feel like this? 

            I had awoken in a dark room, which looked to be my bathroom.  I couldn’t feel anything.  I felt extremely disoriented, I felt sick, and I couldn’t move.  Where was everyone else?  I could hear someone talking outside of the door.  They seemed to be mad. Oh no! the last thing I can remember was that I was laying in my bed with Hannah, but that’s all I can remember, I don’t know how I got in this room, which I have now determined is definitely my bathroom.  I felt terrible, I had done this while she was here, and I heard her say how she was so mad, how she can’t be here anymore, and that she needed to leave.  I felt like a complete dick, and I was becoming extremely angry at myself for what I have done.  I knew she was somewhere upstairs but I didn’t know where.  It was as if no one else was home, even though my mom was somewhere downstairs, the house just felt empty and hopeless.

            I tried to call for help, I was propping myself up with my arms on the toilet seat, I couldn’t move and I could barely let out a noise.  It seemed no one could hear me, and I was barely able to mutter help.  Why can’t I talk or move, what is going on with me?

 I was on top of the cold tile floor that sent chills up my spine.  It was almost as if I had awoken under inches of snow, left cold, and in desperate need of help.  I was colder, than if I was outside for hours, you can warm up simply by wearing more clothes or going inside.  But with this I could not warm up, I had to remain cold.  I was propped up against the shower door, which was uncomfortable, yet somehow soothing, maybe it was because I was drifting off when I allowed myself to, in the sense of giving up, or maybe it was just the feeling of discomfort and pain made me know I was still alive.  The bathroom around me just looked like a big giant blur, I could barely make out anything, I could just make out the fishy toilet bowl seat, but that counter with the sink, and the door seemed to be open, but no one could hear me.  Where was everyone else?

I was getting sicker and sicker, I was trying to look around the bathroom, there was nothing in the toilet, and I was spread out across the floor, leaning up against the shower at times, and at other times against the toilet.  When they say he was hugging the toilet last night, they meant he at least knew he was going to throw up, and needed to, I was just there because I woke up there, I had no clue what I had to do, and I couldn’t throw up.  I remember hearing a voice telling me to throw up and that I would feel better, but I just couldn’t do it, my arms were against the toilet as if I was waiting for something, but what was I waiting for?  The voice seemed as if someone was looking out for me, I tried to listen to it, but I just couldn’t.  I could tell that it was day time because there was day light in the hallway.  The bathroom door was open, which helped produce the tiniest bit of light in the room.  I desperately needed help now, but I couldn’t make any noise, besides a very low volume moan, which at the time was me trying to say please help me, and help.  I was trying to call for Hannah but I couldn’t say it loud enough, she wanted nothing to do with me, and I felt like I deserved this, and I was just wanting to give up.  I wasn’t able to think what was going on with me.

            I felt myself loosing perception of where I was, and loosing my consciousness in and out, I had no control, and I was stuck in a dark bathroom, all alone.  My body got colder.  I felt like I was being pulled out of my body, it was as if I was looking at myself up against the toilet for a brief moment, and I wasn’t able to analyze or take in what was happening to me.  It was all happening so fast.  I didn’t even realize that I was close to death.  It was as if I was dreaming, and it was the weirdest dream of my life.  It didn’t feel real at all, I would be more likely to believe a dream in which I was flying, than this one.  Not because that dream feels one bit real, but compared to this, it was so nonrealistic and worse than a dream.  I have never had a dream before with so much emotion attached to it, and with the weirdest feelings ever, that most people will never feel, or begin to understand unless it happens to them.  But that is because this wasn’t a dream.  It only felt like it more than anything.  I felt myself coming in and out of a consciousness feeling, it was starting to take a hold of me, and I was becoming less able to get out of it, it didn’t even feel like I was unconscious.  It was as if I was going involuntarily in and out of life, and it was just piecing together, even though there were missing pieces, it was like a puzzle that a dog had gotten to and eaten most of the puzzle and you had to say what image the puzzle created with that the smallest bit left of the puzzle.  I was left more confused than a man who had awaken from a coma, at least he had a doctor able to explain what going on with him, and why he felt the way he did.  I had the complete opposite, never in my mind had a realized what was going on with me, I wasn’t in the right mind to think.  I just knew I was sick, I have never felt that way, all I knew was that I needed help, but I couldn’t move, and it seems like I didn’t really even care what happened to me.  It was as if I didn’t fear death, because it never occurred to me that I could die from this, nothing had occurred to me, my breathing was slowing down, and I was getting sicker, and I barely was noticing that.

So as I laid propped up against the toilet or shower, I just all of a sudden slipped into another blackout without even knowing it, I just wasn’t able to analyze what was going on with me, and just allowed whatever was going to happen to me, to happen to me.

I need help, I need help, I’m getting sicker I’m getting sicker, I don’t like this feeling, I want to be safe, I want everything to be okay, I don’t want to hurt anyone.  That’s all I could think about, That is what you would expect me to be thinking this whole time, but that would be a lie.  I wasn’t thinking anything, I was unable to think.  Yes I had felt that way when I first woke up in the bathroom, but less than 2 minutes later, all that went away, and I just let myself slip out of awareness and began to sleep.  But I was unable to do anything about it.  There I was unconscious in my bathroom, left for the only way of survival is for someone to find me in the bathroom.

 

What’s going on with me, why do I feel like this? 

            I had awoken in a dark room, which looked to be my bathroom.  The thoughts rushing through my mind was I couldn’t feel anything, I felt extremely disoriented, I felt sick, and I couldn’t move.  Where was everyone else?  I could hear someone talking outside of the door, they seemed to be mad. Oh no, the last thing I can remember was that I was laying in my bed with Hannah, but that’s all I can remember, I don’t know how I got in this room, which I have now determined is defiantly my bathroom.  I felt terrible, I had done this while she was here, and I heard her say how she was so mad, how she can’t be here anymore, and that she needed to leave.  I felt like a complete dick, and I was becoming extremely angry at myself for what I had done.  I knew she was somewhere upstairs but I didn’t know where.
            I tried to call for help, I was propping myself up with my arms on the toilet seat, I couldn’t move and I could barely let out a noise.  It seemed no one could hear me, and I was barely able to mutter help.

            I was on top of the cold tile floor that sent chills up my spine.  It was almost as if I had awoken under inches of snow, in the middle of know where outside, and I had no clue where I was, and how to get home.  I was hopeless and colder, than if I was outside for hours.  I was propped up against the shower door, which was uncomfortable, yet somehow soothing, maybe it was because I was drifting off when I allowed myself to in the sense of giving up, or maybe it was just the feeling of discomfort and pain made me know I was still alive.  The bathroom around me just looked like a big giant blur, I could barely make out anything, I could just make out the fishy toilet bowl seat, but that counter with the sink, and the door seemed to be open, but no one could hear me.  Where was everyone else?

    I was getting sicker and sicker, I was trying to look around the bathroom, there was nothing in the toilet, and I was spread out across the floor, leaning up against the shower at times, and at other times against the toilet.  When they say he was hugging the toilet last night, they meant he at least knew he was going to throw up, and needed to, I was just there because I woke up there, I had no clue what I had to do, and I couldn’t throw up.  I remember hearing a voice telling me to throw up and that I would feel better, but I just couldn’t do it, my arms were against the toilet as if I was waiting for something, but what was I waiting for?  The voice seemed as if someone was looking out for me, I tried to listen to it, but I just couldn’t.  I could tell that it was day time because there was day light in the hallway.  The bathroom door was open, which helped produce the tiniest bit of light in the room.  I desperately needed help now, but I couldn’t make any noise, besides a very low volume moan, which at the time was me trying to say please help me, and help.  I wasn’t able to think what was going in with me.           

I felt myself loosing perception of where I was, and loosing my consciousness in and out, I had no control, and I was stuck in a dark bathroom, all alone.  My body got cold, I felt like I was being pulled out of my body, and I wasn’t able to analyze or take in what was happening to me, it all happened so fast, I didn’t even realize that I was close to death.  It was as if I was dreaming, and it was the weirdest dream of my life, it didn’t feel real at all, It felt less real than a dream in which I was flying, I have never had a dream before with so much emotion attached to it, and with the weirdest feelings ever, that most people will never feel, or understand unless it happens to them.  But that is because this wasn’t a dream, it only felt like it.  I felt myself coming in and out of a consciousness feeling, it was starting to take a hold of me, and I was becoming less able to get out of it, it didn’t even feel like I was not conscious.  It was as if I was going involuntarily in and out, and it was just piecing together, even though there were missing pieces, it was like a puzzle that a dog had gotten to and eaten 59/60^th of the puzzle and you had to say what image the puzzle created with that 1/60^th of the puzzle.  I was left more confused than a man who had awaken from a coma, at least he had a doctor able to explain what going on with him, and why he felt the way he did.  I had the complete opposite, never in my mind had a realized what was going on with me, I wasn’t in the right mind to think.  I just knew I was sick, I have never felt that way, all I knew was that I needed help, but I couldn’t move, and it seems like I didn’t really even care what happened to me.

So as I laid propped up against the toilet or shower, I just all of a sudden slipped into another black out without even knowing it, I just wasn’t able to analyze what was going on with me, and just allowed whatever was going to happen to me, to happen to me.

    I need help, I need help, I’m getting sicker I’m getting sicker, I don’t like this feeling, I want to be safe, I want everything to be okay, I don’t want to hurt, anyone that’s all I could think about.  But I was unable to do anything about it, there I was unconscious in my bathroom, left for the only way of survival is for someone to find me in the bathroom..What’s going on with me, why do I feel like this?

            I had awoken in a dark room, which looked to be my bathroom.  The thoughts rushing through my mind was I couldn’t feel anything, I felt extremely disoriented, I felt sick, and I couldn’t move.  Where was everyone else?  I could hear someone talking outside of the door, they seemed to be mad. Oh no, the last thing I can remember was that I was laying in my bed with Hannah, but that’s all I can remember, I don’t know how I got in this room, which I have now determined is defiantly my bathroom.  I felt terrible, I had done this while she was here, and I heard her say how she was so mad, how she can’t be here anymore, and that she needed to leave.  I felt like a complete dick, and I was becoming extremely angry at myself for what I had done.  I knew she was somewhere upstairs but I didn’t know where.
            I tried to call for help, I was propping myself up with my arms on the toilet seat, I couldn’t move and I could barely let out a noise.  It seemed no one could hear me, and I was barely able to mutter help.

            I was on top of the cold tile floor that sent chills up my spine.  It was almost as if I had awoken under inches of snow, in the middle of know where outside, and I had no clue where I was, and how to get home.  I was hopeless and colder, than if I was outside for hours.  I was propped up against the shower door, which was uncomfortable, yet somehow soothing, maybe it was because I was drifting off when I allowed myself to in the sense of giving up, or maybe it was just the feeling of discomfort and pain made me know I was still alive.  The bathroom around me just looked like a big giant blur, I could barely make out anything, I could just make out the fishy toilet bowl seat, but that counter with the sink, and the door seemed to be open, but no one could hear me.  Where was everyone else?

 

I was getting sicker and sicker, I was trying to look around the bathroom, there was nothing in the toilet, and I was spread out across the floor, leaning up against the shower at times, and at other times against the toilet.  When they say he was hugging the toilet last night, they meant he at least knew he was going to throw up, and needed to, I was just there because I woke up there, I had no clue what I had to do, and I couldn’t throw up.  I remember hearing a voice telling me to throw up and that I would feel better, but I just couldn’t do it, my arms were against the toilet as if I was waiting for something, but what was I waiting for?  The voice seemed as if someone was looking out for me, I tried to listen to it, but I just couldn’t.  I could tell that it was day time because there was day light in the hallway.  The bathroom door was open, which helped produce the tiniest bit of light in the room.  I desperately needed help now, but I couldn’t make any noise, besides a very low volume moan, which at the time was me trying to say please help me, and help.  I wasn’t able to think what was going in with me.           

I felt myself loosing perception of where I was, and loosing my consciousness in and out, I had no control, and I was stuck in a dark bathroom, all alone.  My body got cold, I felt like I was being pulled out of my body, and I wasn’t able to analyze or take in what was happening to me, it all happened so fast, I didn’t even realize that I was close to death.  It was as if I was dreaming, and it was the weirdest dream of my life, it didn’t feel real at all, It felt less real than a dream in which I was flying, I have never had a dream before with so much emotion attached to it, and with the weirdest feelings ever, that most people will never feel, or understand unless it happens to them.  But that is because this wasn’t a dream, it only felt like it.  I felt myself coming in and out of a consciousness feeling, it was starting to take a hold of me, and I was becoming less able to get out of it, it didn’t even feel like I was not conscious.  It was as if I was going involuntarily in and out, and it was just piecing together, even though there were missing pieces, it was like a puzzle that a dog had gotten to and eaten 59/60^th of the puzzle and you had to say what image the puzzle created with that 1/60^th of the puzzle.  I was left more confused than a man who had awaken from a coma, at least he had a doctor able to explain what going on with him, and why he felt the way he did.  I had the complete opposite, never in my mind had a realized what was going on with me, I wasn’t in the right mind to think.  I just knew I was sick, I have never felt that way, all I knew was that I needed help, but I couldn’t move, and it seems like I didn’t really even care what happened to me.

So as I laid propped up against the toilet or shower, I just all of a sudden slipped into another black out without even knowing it, I just wasn’t able to analyze what was going on with me, and just allowed whatever was going to happen to me, to happen to me.

    I need help, I need help, I’m getting sicker I’m getting sicker, I don’t like this feeling, I want to be safe, I want everything to be okay, I don’t want to hurt, anyone that’s all I could think about.  But I was unable to do anything about it, there I was unconscious in my bathroom, left for the only way of survival is for someone to find me in the bathroom..

Addiction, addiction

When do you know,

if you really have a problem?

It just isn’t displayed in

The everyday normal life,

You have nothing to compare it to.

 

Cravings when you first wake up,

Cravings at any time of the day.

Ending up in the hospital,

at 2 pm

because of what you’ve just done

 

When you almost killed yourself,

Your supposed to stay away from what caused you,

But mostly everyone around you,

Harm.

 

And yes you don’t want to do it anymore.

You don’t ever want to go through that day

EVER AGAIN!

It was the worst day of your life,

Yet for some reason you still crave it,

At times you just want to taste its sting,

you crave it the way a child craves candy.

But other times you want to do it over,

Even though you know what would happen.

Shot after shot after shot, will only cause more despair

Depression makes the cravings even worse.

 

You have a problem,

You have a problem

Your reaching for help,

Hopefully this time it wont be a handle.

You feel like that can’t happen

You can’t hurt anyone else.

 

Your dad still has the empty bottle,

Of how he almost lost you.

 

Hold me tight daddy, hold me tight,

I don’t want to hut anyone,

But I need your help,

I need your help!

Please help me.

<3

For once I can say I’ve seen this coming
For the past week or two
Ive been hoping it wouldn’t come to this
But it has, and it hurt more than I ever thought it could hurt
I held it in, I pretended it didn’t exist
And than when I couldn’t no more
No tears fell

For I was in shock
And will always be
I cant stop questioning what’s wrong with me?
Why everyone leaves me at one point?

Am I merely used for the satisfaction of someone to talk to?
So someone can say what there problem is
So someone can call in hysteria

But than I receive no help in return
Left to deal with my own problems
Lying alone in a ditch
With broken legs
And dead vocal cords
Unable to make a move, unable to make a word

Having to find others to go to
While my life is clinging on a thread
Maybe thicker than last year
But still in a not good condition

They can help me as much as I can help myself
They give me a voice back
Unlike a simple oh god, or an ignorance
Maybe even a try to change the topic

I give more than receive
And it’s obviously true
But I am never unhappy
I still love you

I know things haven’t been the same
I feel that way too
Im sorry
But you need to understand
I need your help.

I just cant even gather my thoughts right now

I’ve spent the past hour pretty much not talking to anyone

Yes they are all on aim pretty much

But I just don’t really want to talk

Even though part of me is dieing to talk right now

I don’t know what to do anymore

Its one of the worst feelings ever

I’m depressed, anxious, restless, and just plain out

100% sad

 

I want to drop what is in front of me and never look back

Just keep on going

Until something of interest strikes my mind

I don’t belong here

My mind and body strife for a place unlike this

A place where up is down and down is up

A place where It doesn’t matter how you make yourself appeal

but that people except you for the kind of person you are

the loving, kind, and sweet boy who only wants to take everyone

elses pain and put it amoung himself

 

the same boy who would rather kill himself

than have anyone,

even the tiniest bit close to him commit suicide

 

where I am is not a happy place nor is it a peaceful good or loving place

I JUST WANT TO GET OUT OF HERE END OF STORY

I’d rather live in a box in the city than be here right now to tell you the truth

All the suffering around me and my own are just driving me off the edge

 

I continue to live my life for about three specific people

One of them I’ve known since before I was born

And have pictures with when we didn’t even realize we were on the same couch

And today we are virtually unseperatable

I would do anything for him

And I would give anything to keep him

He is and has always been the true reason why I wake up in the morning

 

Another one of them would be someone I’ve known for about two years

And time has only brought us closer

I can talk to this person about more things than I can talk to anybody else

I would give anything to take away all of her pain and suffering

I would give/do anything to keep her alive and healthy

She is and always will be my bff,

and we will rock the music/ literature/and art industry fo sho!

 

And lastly would be my family, friends, and things I have in life

For I see all that I have and that is what keeps me alive,

Going, and the ability to deal with life and just make the best out of it

Even if I feel at times that things will always go bad

I do the one thing I know how to do and that would be to just

Keep living and let nothing/ no one stop me

And to not stop until I have become successful in life

And than ill just keep going

For I have the mindset and ability to achieve what I set out for

 

<3

Its amazing how life can go from ABSOLUTELY everything you wanted

To the worst its been in a while

You can think you are picking yourself back on track

And finally things are getting better than you even thought they would

But than comes the phone call

The worst call you have ever received that you can think back to

You go from happy

To confused

To angry

To devastated

All within less than 30 seconds

And the feeling is just absolutely miserable

The actions you want to take,,, are unable to take

And you have to ride the passenger seat this time and just try your best

To listen and help calm down the other person

They are at a time of need

And all you want to do is hug them and tell them that everything will be okay

But you aren’t even sure if let alone you are going to be ok

So how do you get yourself through this?

One simple word

HOPE <3

The only way man makes it through the most malignant diseases, the deadliest tragedies, and absolutely horrible events

 

What makes a person so mean

How can telling someone right to their face that you are going to fuck up their night

For no reason at all be OKAY let alone humane

How is devastating a girl that only showed love and compassion to you

Okay?
how do you fall asleep at night?

How do you justify yourself

 

I can barely sleep at night as it is, knowing that either myself or a friend is suffering

Humanity is absolutely sickening and I really do not want to be part of it

and considered human

why would I want to be associated with

such self-worth and self instantaneous gratification

that all human has

 

there is simply one answer

I DON’T :’(

so as much as i dont mind helping friends with their problems i started to talk to my friend about my BIG problem that had a whole blog about it yesterday and than she has to go and she tells me she'll talk to me about it today

so now the boy she likes is being the same again
and acting like a total duchebag
so shes upset and she's coming to me
sad and im just doing my best trying to keep her calm

and than ontop of all of this
i still really need to talk to someone
and she isnt helping
and i dont know who else to go to
i cant think of anyone

i cannot think about what i want to happen in life

i have it set in my head that just because im younger

i have no chance

i dont believe this is fair at all?

i need to take a chance and just dive right into my problems

Spilling my heart out will probably only end in me being more depressed

but who cares anymore?

i just want to find out the truth once and for all

and than the actions i take will have a result in the given answer

i need you

i want you

i cannot wake up without thinking about you

you are killing me slowly without even trying

all you are doing is being yourself

and that is what makes you so attractive to me

you have helped me through troubles

you have put me through troubles

i feel our bond has been excellent at times

and than shitty at other times

we still end up making through

talking all the time

our conversations have their moments

without you i dont know how i would be able to go on in life

i can barely go on without you for a few days

i cant think about this subject to intensively or i’ll just make myself sick

giving up, which only gives me a temporary solution that will only last for a bit

when i really need to just truly speak my mind and heart and hope for the best

maybe just for once

the best will come

even if it is only for a month

its still a feeling of true good for a larger amount of time than the way an amazing weekend makes me feel

 

help me out

help me out

get me out of all this fucked up shit

that i have put myself in

and my age keeps me in it

let age not matter

and let me have a chance with what i really want <3

 

Being there for someone may be tough, it may be sacrificing stuff you love
but do you really deserve everything you want?
you go around being pretty much everything you hate
except maybe the selfish part isn't you at all
but you are still violent in words at times, impatient, an asshole at times
so if you say you hate humanity
you either are a hypocrite because u are close to what you hate
or you hate yourself and hate human nature

the one nature that seems only gets worse as the years progress
wars continue
new weapons and ways of harms are created
more people die

but what happens when you die?
if you believe in god your answer is heaven, but what if you dont believe in
god?
than what do you think happens to you when you die.

Most likely nothing,,  
what else is there?
if humans on earth cant be good 
than how can they be good in so called "heaven"
saying that their is a happy eternally loving place 
is a bunch of fucked up shit
it is impossible
we cant even have peace on earth
and we will never achieve it
we are going to kill our selves off

our generation as kids as how so bad than the previous generation
there is no respect for parents
violence is cool to people
there is no respect for elders
the only thing most people do
is try to make THEIR life better
why?
because they are filled with self-worth
they cant do something that benefits humanity
if it does nothing to benefit themselves

these suburban towns are the worst
you cant wear tight jeans without being emo or scene
you cant wear tight clothing without being gay or bi
you cant whatever you want, because u are shoved into a category and hated
for being in it

the U.S., yes its full of corruption and propaganda
but it gives you so many rights
which is the one reason why im still in this fucked up country
i can say whatever i want
and no one can stop me
yet the bad part is the government, corporations
use their lobbyists and money to make the countries decisions
we went to war because it sparked a profit
tobacco is  still legal because of lobbyism

the true problems in this world are kept secret from us
they dont want us to know how good we have it
they want us to want, want, and want some more
how can they do this to us?
because they simply dont care about anyone but themselves
and their family and friends

the only reason why im still alive in this so called world
is because i can see the good in my life
the close friends i have that i can go to when im depressed, 
and they can come to me
the people i would die to save
and kill to be with
what keeps you going in life?

music is another thing that can help you make it through bad times
even if you have no one around you, hold on to your music 
the things to follow will be liked

there are some people that i am so close to
that when they are sad, i become sad
and when the other emotions they feel
i begin to feel
their depression can keep me up at night
just as long as mine can
i would rather have a horrible life than watch any friend of mine go through 
some fucked up devastating shit

We have less than 50 years 
of life
before we completely destroy ourselves
im going to live these years as best i can
are you?